Feelings and Frustrations
Sunday, November 26, 2006
It's been so long since I've written anything. I used to love writing and would post on my blog at least once a week. Now it just seems like such a task and I don't understand why. I look at my routine on the web and I'm pretty lazy. I just check if I've gotten any messages and wait for something to happen. I usually blame my lack of writing on lack of time, but if I wanted to I'd make time. And that's what I'm doing tonight: making time.
I guess I need to rant right now. I'm frustrated about a few things so just bear with me. Right now I'm trying to scrap together all of these college applications alongside keeping up my GPA and working. The whole application process just dumbfounds me. Nothing in your entire life matters to the admissions board but what's in a thin envelope with your name on it. This rant is probably coming from the ACT results I just recieved from the October test. I got the same score I'd previously recieved in June. What frustrates me is that despite all the work I've done in high school, all the acivities I've been involved in, the one thing that will keep me from getting into the school of my choice is a 2-digit number. It doesn't matter that the score I got was actually a good score-- in the 96th percentile according to my score report-- all that matters is that I didn't break that 30. It doesn't matter that I get good grades in math and science despite my lower score in these sections, it doesn't matter that I understand the principles behind the things that I'm being tested on, what matters is that I can't do 60 math problems in 60 minutes. What matters is that I don't comprend reading material perfectly after speed reading it only once. What matters is that I don't do as well in a standardized testing situation, despite the fact that I'll never have to be in that type of situation to count for anything for the remainder of my adult life.
Although I'm frustrated about my college situation, this year has had some ups to counter the downs. I've made new friends and have been enjoying myself more than I have my entire high school life. I'm actually socializing, thanks mostly to Courtney. I've opened up to people like I haven't been able to in some time. Despite it all, I'm missing things. I've been single for the past two years now and I've been happy with it for the most part. No commitments, no drama, just worrying about myself. But I think I'm ready. I'm not saying I want a committed relationship, I don't have time for that. But it'd be nice to have somebody to hug once in a while. Friendly hugs are nice but there's something different about hugging someone that you know cares about you and likes you more than just a friend. I guess I just want a bit of intimacy.
Now for the conclusion. You know, this is always the hardest part for me with anything I write whether it's an essay, a blog entry, a poem, whatever. I have no problem with the meat of the story but once I decide I want to stop, writer's block sets in on overdrive. You know what? I'm not going to let it. I'm going to end it. I've said what I wanted to say and that's all there is to it. Maybe my conclusion will be a bit more eloquent next time.
